Coming home without Joshua was very difficult. We had to pass through the post-partum ward and all I heard were babies crying. It was torture for me to pass through there and hear all those babies crying, because I never got to nor will I ever hear my precious Joshua cry. It took me a moment, which seemed like a lifetime, before I could get myself in the car. I didn't want to believe that I was leaving the hospital without my baby in my arms. I wept and cried until no more tears came out. My breasts grew full of milk and ached, and yet I had no baby to nurse. I cried with each pain and watched as my breast grew dry and smaller. I was not to nurse my precious baby. I had to reprogram my body to accept this fate. I watch as my swollen tummy slowly grows smaller. Everyday there is less proof I was ever pregnant with our third child. Soon I will only have a memory and some photos. Every day is a struggle. The path we were on has changed and we don't know where we are going. Every hour of our day is full of thoughts our baby Joshua. We miss him more than words can explain. We love him as only a parent can love their child.